You Just HAD to Sing Along, Didn't You?

How many of y'all sang along to Oceans by Hillsong United a few years ago?
I remember my friend Jennifer posting an article called, "We need to stop singing Oceans." It was about how most of us don't really want to be called to 'where our trust is without borders.' Therefore, we should not sing a song where we ask the Holy Spirit to lead us beyond our comfort and control.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior

Well, some of y'all did not get the memo. 
'Cause you sang along. And He answered. 
We find ourselves in a place and amidst circumstances we have never experienced before, not knowing or being able to control what comes next. (Except we can and should STAY HOME to keep it from spreading.)
I’m not about to pretend like I understand this virus or how pandemics work or why God allows what he allows. In recent moments of self-reflection, a couple of things have become evident. 
Before lockdown and quarantine, we were run ragged in our house. I’m sure we’re not the only ones. Spring sports had started, so we had volleyball twice a week and soccer twice a week and games/birthday parties/family visits on the weekends. Plus we had our two full-time jobs plus housework and meal prep - you know...life. Everyday was a checklist, an agenda, a schedule. 
I hate to admit it, but when it came to relationships, our kids got our leftovers. And Chad and I got almost nothing from each other and gave almost nothing to each other. Because we had nothing left.
To my regret, the first Monday we were quarantined, or locked down, I had a list of academic strategies a mile long. I channeled all my educational knowledge and years of practice into differentiating instruction and making lesson plans for my kids. And it went really well. 
And not once did we pray together. Not once did we study the Bible together that day. I jumped to what was comfortable and familiar and productive.Our pastor, teaching via live stream on Sunday, said to look for God’s purposes - plural - in a crisis. And I wonder if one of the purposes in all of this is that He is calling his people back to Him. I don’t know about you, but I had definitely abandoned my first love. I "worked in" Bible study and prayer when it was convenient or when I was barely coherent because it was late at night and the kids were finally in bed. I chose YouTube over reading my Bible. I wanted to love the Lord the way He calls me to, but I loved other parts of my life more. They were easy, fun, or required nothing from me.
I bet I'm not the only one. Do you feel me, fellow believers? I would think to myself, "I want early morning prayer time. I want more Bible study. But I am absolutely exhausted at night, and I cannot wake up any earlier in the morning. How can I be closer to God?"
Oh. Come to think of it, maybe it's not your fault for singing Oceans. Maybe we collectively loved the world too much? I know I did.
Revelation 2:4 says, "But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first."

And now we find ourselves on the waters.

You call me out upon the waters

The great unknown where feet may fail

And there I find You in the mystery

In oceans deep

My faith will stand

How desperate have your prayers been this week? Last week?

Last Monday night, post-coved-schooling, I got sick. I had all the symptoms of COVID19, but could not get tested due to the glut of people at the testing centers. (I've had a couple of over-the-phone consults. My fever has been gone for a few days, and only the cough remains. They do not advise testing at this time, so I guess I'll never know for sure. I will say it felt VERY different from the flu.) I separated from my family, stayed in bed, did not leave the house, and from a distance talked Chad through cooking dinner. By Tuesday night, I was praying for Chad to be strong if I did not survive. My prayers were informed by my fear.

When I finally felt well enough to socialize with my family, I still limited touching and did not give hugs or kisses, not even at night-nights.

I was terrified and spiritually got very low.

My faith will stand

My faith is not what stands. God is faithful. And not to me, either. To Himself and His own holiness. He keeps His promises.

From Psalm 103: He is the one who forgives all your sins, who heals all your diseases, who delivers your life from the Pit, who crowns you with his loyal love and compassion...

On the third night of living in my bed, my friend Jenni posted on Facebook about how her neighborhood coordinated to say or pray Psalm 91 from their driveways at the same time one night. I opened the Bible app on my phone and listened to that Psalm. Then I just let it play. Oh, the peace I received! I played Psalm 91 all the way through Psalm 103 in that sitting (lying...in bed), and it brought SUCH comfort to me.

I listened to that Psalm again the next night and the next, this time with Chad. Then on to Psalm 104. Then to Corinthians and Deuteronomy and Mark.

Nothing comforts like the truth that God - who created the world and has power over every part of it, who goes before us and knew we would be here, at this time, in these circumstances - loves us and is WITH us. On the waters.

Maybe this is how God calls his people back to Him.

Maybe this is how we stop treasuring activities or schedules and start treasuring each other.

Maybe this is how He rescues the 3,000 babies who would have been aborted each day but now may be saved due to the pandemic and limited medical supplies.

Maybe this is how we surrender and repent of our love of money.

Maybe this is how we take time to look our children in the eye, pray with them, teach God's word to them more often than once a week.

Side note: Of course, I do not believe there is anything wrong with schedules or activities. Money itself is not evil. The list above is not judgment on anyone but myself. I thank God for my resources, a.k.a. "blessings," far more often than I thank Him for dying for me or adopting me. Sometimes I treat my children like roommates instead of gifts. Or I offer them a screen so I can have a moment's peace, a.k.a. scroll through Facebook.

This post is a confession, not admonishment.

Stay home. Keep the faith. Return to your first love.

Selah.